What do my idols mean?

I just realized that some of my favorite musicians are a bit messed up. Seeing as one of my favorite people in the world is James Owen Sullivan, The Rev from Avenged Sevenfold, hes not really "messed up" per say though he is dead and it he may very well have committed suicide. Another one of my very favorite people is Brian Hugh Warner, Marilyn Manson. He isn't really messed up, in my mind though everyone perceives him as being so. He is just a unique artist. None the less hes not exactly quite acceptable in society. Though I love them both. I have had the same view on life as Jimmy since I was about 14 or maybe 13 years old. Well the view reflected in the video Fiction. Which is basically saying, to me (Seeing as art speaks differently to everyone) that life, for Jimmy at least, was just very difficult. It is a hard thing and was based basically around making others happy because he himself could not be. Of course in the song he is saying that hes done all he can in his life and others and now he is to end his suffering and that now all the pain will go away for him and that in death he will find happiness. Which speaks to me for personal reasons that I'm not going to get into now. Oh, and of course that he doesn't want anyone to be sad about his death because he is in a better place and that they can all make it without him. Which of course is absolutely beautiful. I just wish he didn't die after soon after he wrote it. I would have loved to talk with him about it. I actually would like to become a Psychologist and I feel like the more I learn the more I can help others as well as myself because I know I'm not psychologically well either.

What happens to sheltered kids, and its NOT good

I'm going to talk about parents, again. I have an over protective mom so I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about because I'm talking from the kids point of view here. Over protective parents THINK they're doing whats best but teenagers that are locked in their house all the time are just bound to make those mistakes they would have made as a teenager if they had their freedom, as soon as they’re free. We have to make those mistakes and learn from them sometime, its better earlier than later because it can go slow and the parents can regulate it one thing at a time so nothing gets to out of control and no one gets hurt, when we’re free we’ll go crazy and do everything we wanted to do, we’ll do it all at once and it will be chaos and can lead to us being hurt, it can put us in danger, or even kill us. I’m aware of that but I think its worth the risks to do what I’ve always wanted to do but never could. None of those desires go away, they just build up and make life itself unbearable. I’m going to do all those things I should have been able to do when I was younger, even if it kills me. Whats the point of living an existence I'm not proud of, one I didn't enjoy? I see no reason that is why I'd rather die than live and never do anything with my life and I know that I'm not the only person like this. I may be the only person really thinking intensely about it but I'm not the only one thinking it. So if you are a parent then please let your children have some freedom. Be there for them when they need you and don't make things to hard on them. You want them to trust and love you but still be able to listen to you. I know what you want but no one seems to know how to get it. You have to TRUST your children for them to trust you, trust is mutual. Not letting them do anything or go anywhere makes them think you don't trust them, keeps them sheltered for the real world. Then when the real world comes to them they won't know how to handle it, they won't know what to do and that leads to bad things, very bad things. I would know, I'm a teenager myself. I've seen it in a small scale and I can barely handle it like that. I won't know what to do in the real world and I know that.

Daddy Issues

I miss him so much... And by him I don't mean a lover. I mean someone who was like a father to me. I just hate how people can just up and leave. It makes me feel worthless and stupid. Not only that but it seems like it permanently damages my emotional state. I feel like I can't get close to anyone with out expecting them to just up and leave. It has lead to a hand full of trust issues I don't know how to deal with. Maybe I need counseling but even then how would the treatment go without them there. I act like nothing is wrong when in reality I know there is but I also know I can't fix it and doubt anyone else can either. That is why I don't usually complain about it unless given a reason too. Maybe these Daddy Issues are what is making me so confused about everything in life. Maybe I'm just messed up. I don't know, and I may live my life never knowing, pushing all my feelings and needs back. Honestly it wouldn't surprise me if I did. It feels like all my life my need for stability has been neglected. My situations just jump all over the place, where I live, who I live with, who loves me. None of that ever stays the same for too long and it feels like I don't either... I guess my point is, people, don't abandon the ones who love you, even if you are mad at them. It could scar them for life and every bad situation gets better if you are mad at them. Especially parents, your children expect you to be one of the few people in their life that will be there for them. Even teenagers, we count on you to always be there for us and we love you. A child's love for their parent is one of the strongest loves I have ever experienced. Even if they aren't willing to admit it they need you, the ones that love you need you... (Song to explain how I feel right now)

Gender Issues

No this entry is not insulting bisexual or homosexual people. It is about my own gender issues. Truthfully I'm a supporter of gay rights and its just plan stupid that they don't have the rights straight people do. I mean there is no difference! They just love their own kind there is NOTHING wrong with that and it doesn't affect straight people in anyway so you homophobes need to just get over it. I don't care if you are the one person who actually reads my blog! Get over it! They aren't hurting anybody. It just stupid that people condemn what they don't understand. ANYWAY... On to the reason for the title. I have gender issues of my own. You see I like both girls and guys, simply because I just like them as people not for any hormonal reasoning. Of course I do find them both attractive, more so girls than guys but still. I kind of still like guys but I like girls more. I want to be able to be sweet and flirty with girls without getting dirty looks. I don't mean just to people I know go that way. Maybe it's just my confidence level. :/ I just want to change. In appearance. I don't know what to do. I say gender confused because my first thought after I decided to change how I look was to look like a boy... I'm just so confused. Well If you are reading this and have any advice I would love to hear it. Thank you lovely people for reading this, I love you. I'll be sure to make another entry explaining how things went.

Eyes Closed

I close my eyes for what seems like a moment but when I wake up I find I've been out for days. I lost my best friends. All my feelings are gone... I have to cut it off. Leave, like I always do. They hate me. They all do and I can't blame them I hate me too. I always leave. It's not that I have to it is just that I automatically detach myself. I feel like I don't have control anymore. I feel like my mind pushes people away with out my okay, with out me even knowing. By the time I realize it all it's to late and there is nothing left. I just wait, for someone who can change that, for someone who can fix me. I feel like I really am broken, my mind is broken. From years of abandonment. They come and leave as suddenly as they came. I got hurt so many times from them that I push away before anyone else can hurt me. I don't try to. I want to love forever I want to stay close but I can't there is something in me that won't let me. I hate it and it hurts the ones I love... I just wish I could control what ever is doing this to me... I wish I could control myself.