Eyes Closed

I close my eyes for what seems like a moment but when I wake up I find I've been out for days. I lost my best friends. All my feelings are gone... I have to cut it off. Leave, like I always do. They hate me. They all do and I can't blame them I hate me too. I always leave. It's not that I have to it is just that I automatically detach myself. I feel like I don't have control anymore. I feel like my mind pushes people away with out my okay, with out me even knowing. By the time I realize it all it's to late and there is nothing left. I just wait, for someone who can change that, for someone who can fix me. I feel like I really am broken, my mind is broken. From years of abandonment. They come and leave as suddenly as they came. I got hurt so many times from them that I push away before anyone else can hurt me. I don't try to. I want to love forever I want to stay close but I can't there is something in me that won't let me. I hate it and it hurts the ones I love... I just wish I could control what ever is doing this to me... I wish I could control myself.