Daddy Issues

I miss him so much... And by him I don't mean a lover. I mean someone who was like a father to me. I just hate how people can just up and leave. It makes me feel worthless and stupid. Not only that but it seems like it permanently damages my emotional state. I feel like I can't get close to anyone with out expecting them to just up and leave. It has lead to a hand full of trust issues I don't know how to deal with. Maybe I need counseling but even then how would the treatment go without them there. I act like nothing is wrong when in reality I know there is but I also know I can't fix it and doubt anyone else can either. That is why I don't usually complain about it unless given a reason too. Maybe these Daddy Issues are what is making me so confused about everything in life. Maybe I'm just messed up. I don't know, and I may live my life never knowing, pushing all my feelings and needs back. Honestly it wouldn't surprise me if I did. It feels like all my life my need for stability has been neglected. My situations just jump all over the place, where I live, who I live with, who loves me. None of that ever stays the same for too long and it feels like I don't either... I guess my point is, people, don't abandon the ones who love you, even if you are mad at them. It could scar them for life and every bad situation gets better if you are mad at them. Especially parents, your children expect you to be one of the few people in their life that will be there for them. Even teenagers, we count on you to always be there for us and we love you. A child's love for their parent is one of the strongest loves I have ever experienced. Even if they aren't willing to admit it they need you, the ones that love you need you... (Song to explain how I feel right now)

Out of the Cloest and into the World

I'm addressing a a few things here. Well the obvious one is what the title implies. For all my social networking cites I'm putting my orientation as 'gay' as most put it. That is because I prefer girls to boys. normally I would have put that I'm bi because I am but there are way to may girls that say they're bi when they aren't they just say they are for attention. I on the other hand don't want male attention, like they're trying to get. Apparently liking girls is attractive... I don't see why honestly. I mean I do like gay guys but only because they are sweet and aren't flirting with me. They're just being nice. Not to mention they're much cleaner and less perverted most of the time. Not to mention I don't want to date a Bi girl. The ones I've met are the "popular" girls in my school and they are anything but nice. I'm not trying to offend all bi girls because I am one and I know there are more that are more like me then the ones I know. I would love to meet you if you are... ♥Thank you for reading ♥

Gender Issues

No this entry is not insulting bisexual or homosexual people. It is about my own gender issues. Truthfully I'm a supporter of gay rights and its just plan stupid that they don't have the rights straight people do. I mean there is no difference! They just love their own kind there is NOTHING wrong with that and it doesn't affect straight people in anyway so you homophobes need to just get over it. I don't care if you are the one person who actually reads my blog! Get over it! They aren't hurting anybody. It just stupid that people condemn what they don't understand. ANYWAY... On to the reason for the title. I have gender issues of my own. You see I like both girls and guys, simply because I just like them as people not for any hormonal reasoning. Of course I do find them both attractive, more so girls than guys but still. I kind of still like guys but I like girls more. I want to be able to be sweet and flirty with girls without getting dirty looks. I don't mean just to people I know go that way. Maybe it's just my confidence level. :/ I just want to change. In appearance. I don't know what to do. I say gender confused because my first thought after I decided to change how I look was to look like a boy... I'm just so confused. Well If you are reading this and have any advice I would love to hear it. Thank you lovely people for reading this, I love you. I'll be sure to make another entry explaining how things went.

Online personalities

Has anyone else noticed that people are different online then in real life. I don't mean visually. I mean there are a butt load of perverts all over the internet but could you imagine meeting the offline? I'm willing to bet any money that they won't be as rude, obnoxious, and perverted as they were online. Just because you meet someone online doesn't mean they want what you got. Really like me, personally, I don't. I'll admit guys are the worst but girls do it too. Believe me, I've had a few girls be the same way. In person though, people are nothing like that. That makes me wonder if like my best friend could be one of those freaks. Of course not my BEST friend, I stalk him so I would know... But that is another story, for another time... another post. Anyway, I'm just saying you're boyfriend/girlfriend could do that! You wouldn't know! I mean I know a guy who does it. Though he is pretty nice... Still flirting with random girls and being all dirty even on the internet is cheating. It's just not right. Being disrespectful like that isn't right either. It just makes me feel like the internet is filled with nothing but nasty perverts. I really hope that isn't true because the internet wasn't made for corruption like this...

Eyes Closed

I close my eyes for what seems like a moment but when I wake up I find I've been out for days. I lost my best friends. All my feelings are gone... I have to cut it off. Leave, like I always do. They hate me. They all do and I can't blame them I hate me too. I always leave. It's not that I have to it is just that I automatically detach myself. I feel like I don't have control anymore. I feel like my mind pushes people away with out my okay, with out me even knowing. By the time I realize it all it's to late and there is nothing left. I just wait, for someone who can change that, for someone who can fix me. I feel like I really am broken, my mind is broken. From years of abandonment. They come and leave as suddenly as they came. I got hurt so many times from them that I push away before anyone else can hurt me. I don't try to. I want to love forever I want to stay close but I can't there is something in me that won't let me. I hate it and it hurts the ones I love... I just wish I could control what ever is doing this to me... I wish I could control myself.

Blogs

I have edited all my blogs to make them look prettier. Well pretty in my eyes. Including this one and I'm so proud. Now I have to do some more research on mental illnesses for my 'The Voices Speak' Blog. I'm actually really glad I added that because it will help me stay focused on my studying. Oh and I started following one Blog, she's writing a story and I absolutely love to read. I hope she doesn't find that weird. That is what Blogs are for, isn't it? They are to have people follow and to read. Well I thought so, Oh and I still don't know what a member is sadly. Blogs are kind of confusing to me still, I'll get used to it though I just know it! :D I also plan on having song reviews soon just because I LOVE music! If you're reading this tell me what you think of the idea?

Status Report!!!

No followers. Or members... Whatever a member is... Yeah If you're reading this and even so much as have a good guess to what a member is then can you PLEASE tell me because I feel retarded for not knowing. And for all you technical junkies I know what retarded means and it doesn't mean mentally challenged it means slow! And that is how I feel, slow. So ha! I win! Anyway here is some more news. I got a some American people reading this apparently, or at least LOOKING at it. I feel so proud. And I just wanted to say thank you if you are reading this. Well here are some personal stats I am single... Oh yeah! No not really being single actually makes me quite depressed. Umm I'm around 5'4"(5feet, 4inches) or 5'3"(5feet, 3inches) I don't know how much that is metrically though, sorry. I've actually been asked that though and I didn't know what to say. Oh how I hate that there is more than one system of unit measurement. Anyway... Yeah I just kind of want to know what in the world a member is. Well I'm gonna go shower now!(To much information?) 

~See ya! Thank you for reading ♥

Ronald Joseph Radke

Okay I decided to dedicate this post to my idol, Ronnie Radke. I Love the guy. He's been through so much and still manages to fight his way back to the top. For anyone who doesn't know who Ronnie Radke is the former lead singer of a rock band called Escape the Fate. It is said he went to prison for so many months for being involved in a fight were a man was killed. Though I have heard what I believe to be the real reason. He was kicked out of the band Escape the Fate for using drugs (Which is hypocritical because the bass player sold them to him and did them himself). He couldn't make a living because one, he was a drug addict and two, the way he looked he couldn't get a job anywhere. There for he couldn't afford the rehab he needed and had a hard time finding a ride to his probation officers (for the fight). That all resulted in so many months in prison. There he recuperated and got his mind straight. He no longer does drugs, he has written several lyrics to songs in jail and he is now out and has been since late last year (2010). He now has a band named Falling in Reverse, formerly known as Behind these Walls (It was named that because he was trying to make his music in prison).  Okay now you know Ronnie Radke and you probably know more about him than most of his "fans" do. Anyway I dedicated this post to him because he taught me a few things like:

• Never give up
• No matter what you go through you can make it out
• Be careful who you trust because not everyone is trustworthy
• No matter what you're background you can work your way up
• You always have your real friends no matter what

And those are just a few things... I Love you Ronnie Radke!

Why must teenagers blogs be so confusing?

I looked up people who liked the same bands as me on here. It was kind of an accident, when I clicked the band I thought it would take me to like an internet search on them or something... But nope. Just some people on Blogger that liked that band as well. I thought, heck why not! Lets see what this blogging thing is all about, maybe I'll learn a few things. Nope! I just got completely and utterly confused. I mean their blogs all looked like inside jokes to me. Yet NO ONE commented on them so bad inside jokes I guess? Yeah all I know is that didn't help me figure out what to put on my blog... I think I'll just stick with my random topics that probably no one wants to hear about anyway. seriously, I didn't want to hear about how two boys were fighting over this one girl... And it wasn't even like a story it was just, "OMG (insert random boy name here) and (Insert weaker random boy name here) are going to get into a fight... nag nag nag..." I was like well I COULD be interested in this if I knew what the HECK was going on, but NO! Not to mention all the blog entries consisted of 2 sentences or less. I was like, really? The extent of all of your thoughts is two sentences... okay then, bye bye.

What others think

I think teenagers spend to much of their life on trying to impress others when they should just be finding out what makes THEM happy. Personally I know that it is true because I see my friends do it, I see people at school do it, and I have done this as well. In reality we will all eventually find out that it doesn't matter what others think of you and it never has and never will. I'm afraid that some people find this out much to late and waste so much time just trying to please people that will never like you no matter what you do. I know its not just me because if that wasn't the case make up wouldn't be so popular and those tight, revealing, and/or uncomfortable clothes wouldn't either. Personally, I do where make up sometimes but only when I'm bored and do it to make myself happy with how I look. If I did it to impress others my mom wouldn't look at me like I had ten heads every time I put an outfit together. I don't look 'sexy' and I don't want to. I look crazy, weird and like myself and that is exactly how I want to look. I just wish other people could realize that you should just be yourself, not just in personality but in every aspect of yourself. I understand you want to fit in but don't you want people to like you for who you are as well? I know I do. I'd rather have three friends that like me for me then a thousand that like me for who I pretend to be. This is me and you are you and if you don't like me there is nothing you can do. I will never change and neither should you.

Different=the same

I see myself as just like every other girl in the world. I don't see anything really "Special" about me. Maybe the difference between me and any other girl would be that I don't really try. I don't pretend to be like everyone else because that is cool. I don't say I like certain bands or artist because others do. I like who I like and if you don't like the then that is just to bad. I know there are girls out there like that but I also know there girls out there who pretend. I on the other hand am one that doesn't. But I am the same as everyone else in some ways as well. For example, I like the same kind of guys every other girl likes. I always have because those are the kind of guys I was raised around, like my uncle, they were the true out casts. I love the way they look but I hate how they all claimed to be original, claim to be unique when really all these scene/emo kids are a dime a dozen. I hate to be rude but honestly for every one emo/scene kid there is a dozen that look exactly like them. I know that might be very offensive but it's true and it is the same with those kinds of girls and all the people who try to look like them. I can honestly say that I can't blame any of the people who try to be like them though because they are just afraid of not fitting in. Though I look nothing like any of these people. I know exactly I classify and I bet I don't fit in anywhere but I won't change that. But believe me sometimes I wish I could just look like everyone else. With their scene/emo look so I won't be picked on and I could just blend in, maybe find a boyfriend. Though I DON'T look like that and I am shunned for it. I'm not like everyone else. I don't go out and party, drink or have sex. I stay home, I write, I study, I draw, I spend time with my family. I don't have a million friends that all they know about me is my name. I have a little group of friends but they know everything about me. I mean it sounds good and all but sometimes I just wish I could fit in.

Death...

Death... I never really thought about people dying around me much. It is a pretty morbid thought. Of course I have thought of it and cried but I hoped it would never have to come to that. Its different when someone you know loses someone they love. I tend to block out things that will hurt me. Hold my feelings back but I can't help but be sad that his father died. It makes me think about how I would feel so could better understand him. The problem is that I detach myself from others and/or any situation I may be in that is uncomfortable. Which give me a hard time when I'm trying to feel others pain and that is what I want to do right now... It just makes things so complicated. I don't know how to feel. I hope he rests in peace and that he had a good life but I can't really help that. I also hope that Robert some how finds the strength in himself to carry on and hopefully be happier again. He wasn't really a cheery guy to begin with. I just hope he finds an aura of normality after such a tragedy. All I can really do now is pray because he doesn't have the heart to talk to people at the moment. I can't say I understand but I can see why he wouldn't want to talk to anyone and could see why he would be upset. I want to help but honestly there probably isn't anything I can do about this situation. I wouldn't even know what to say.

Blood on the Dance Floor obessed loser

I slept literally ALL day...I missed like 6 text messages... And one by the guy I like and haven't talked to in forever. UGH I fail at life. I have to try to regulate my freakin sleep cycle. On the bright side my cult on VF is doing better than expected. Yeah I clearly have low expectations. Ohh ha ho I'm so boring. This is what the diary of a lifeless person looks like... -.-' Well yeah I'm making Blogs for my voices instead. They do better than me. Oh and on a different note. My friend doesn't like me listening to Blood on the dance Floor, she thinks they're perverted. Crazy girl... This is not perverted: Blood on the Dance Floor

Nocturnal

Lately It seems that I've turned into an owl or something. No matter how hard I try to sleep it just doesn't work until the sun comes up and no matter how hard I try to stay awake that never works until the sun comes down... Uhhh my internal clock is all screwed up! Then there is the fact I have no life and get bored after I wake up. Then there is the fact of what I dream about when I am asleep. One night I dreamed of my ex and it made me cry. Another I dreamed of one of my best friends. Yeah and not in the way I SHOULD be dreaming about my best friends. It's just horrible. When you start dreaming of human interaction you know you're lonely... Actually I haven't slept since like six o'clock yesterday because that is when I woke up. Yeah I don't know how to fix it but if anyone does could you please tell me in the comments? Anyway I'm thinking of making a blog for my more... talkative... sides? I don't really know what to call them exactly. Yup that's pretty much all I can think of at the moment. I know boring... should have named my blog... >WASTE TIME HERE< Hmm wonder if I can change its name...

Role Playing (Not the dirty kind)

I don't really see the point of this when I doubt a soul will read it but I am bored soo... Here goes nothing. Well I love writing and living a life that is not my own. That is why I have many characters I like to play. One is Jayden he is a schizophrenic killer. He has some major anger issues and kind of snaps sometimes. He's very strong and very violent as well. (Which is nothing like me) Oh it's so fun to pretend. Another is Jayyson.He is a deceptive and cruel demon. He doesn't care about anyone about himself. His back story is pretty cool though but again he is nothing like me. In my role playing I rarely play a girl and due to the fact that I have one I find that fairly unusual.  I don't really understand it but okay... That and the fact all the sides of myself I argue with in my head are all men just makes me a tad bit confused. That reminds me, I also play a character named Jeremiah. I've also written a lot about him. He's one of the sides of myself. He's kind when he needs to be but usually he's cruel and ruthless. XD I so would never read this if I was me.... And I am, so sad. Oh so very sad. Well anyway. If you want to find and meet those characters after wasting your time reading this, You can find them and me on Vampire Freaks [dot] com/His_Guardian_Angel.